Yes, readers, your dear narrator has broken up with someone else.
This time of neither party's decision, and more of a mutual talked about one.
And it still sucks.
See, it's this situation: I Kind of came into the picture when she had a bunch of shit going on. My presence kind of postponed everything being dealt with. It's reached a point that now it does. And I don't want to interfere.
So both of us still feel for each other, but know that it's just not going to work until others things are taken care of.
Here I am, single, still very much infatuated with someone. The question I have, not aimed at being answered by you, dear readers, is what to do. Hope that everything works out and she stills wants to be together? Move on and see if we cross paths again? Play it by ear until I get a notion either way.
Because of my experience in the past, I'm deathly afraid of being the "chump" that just waits too long. Damn hopeless romanticism and all that. But honestly, I had a blast this summer. I feel fulfilled. And not to say that in past relationships I didn't enjoy myself or have fun, but I actually feel good about all the time we spent. I'm upset it ended. And while I know it's the right choice, I really really wish it wasn't.
Like I said, this isn't really a question posed to be answered, I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere.right now I feel :  blah |
Wow, it's been forever since i've posted.
So for the first time in my life, I have a bitter taste in my mouth about death.
Death doesn't scare. I'm not looking forward to it, but it just doesn't really phase me.
I would be distraught if one of my family died. But I'm pretty sure all of my family know that I love them, and there isn't any ill will.
I've have friends that lost people. close friends. I've been to several funerals. But most of my life I just had this "Can't do anything about it" kind of feeling.
So now the oddest thing has occured. I found out the other day that my Ex, Amy-j...her boyfriend just died. Overdose.
I never met him in my life. Don't know anything about the boy other than from what I've heard. But I know that she loved him. Every time I think about this it just makes me sick. I don't know whether I'm angry at him for something so stupid as an overdose.. Or the fact that Amy already lost some of her friends in a car crash awhile back.. or maybe I'm just stupidly attached to her in some way. But seriously, death has never been so sour for me, and I have no idea why I care.
regardless, pray for Amy-j. because while death may be "tasting sour" for me, I'm sure it's a grain of sand compared to how she feels.right now I feel :  distressed |
So, for people that have known me for awhile; you're already aware of this, but this is a warning to those who don't.
I have some anger problems sometimes.
See, I try to generally stay in a good mood all the time.
but certain things trigger me. Usually it passes over rather quickly, and I hold my toungue. On other occasions, if I'm provoked enough, or I don't watch myself, I can snap out.
So. If you've ever been an undeserving victim of this, I'm sorry.
Also, to those of you who do know me, feel free to add to this disclaimer with anything I might have left out. |
fuck some confusion.
Overall, I'm not mad or unhappy.
At the moment, I'm just tired of being confused.
Yes? No?
I'm making myself walk on imaginary thin ice.
I'm tired of walking on imaginary thin ice.
I feel like I should be a better person, and then I feel like I should pull my hair, and then I feel like I shouldn't even care.
Yes? No? |
Well. I moved. I'm living on a couch. Courtesy of my (suckup) wonderful friends Ben and Rob Smith.
I met a girl.
Now it's nothing of a "serious" nature, but I'm curious.
See, I'm very good at reading people, and predicting what's going to happen.
I'm completely unable to read her in any way.
This both confuses and captivates me.
I feel like I'm 15 again trying to woo a crush. |
| » time. |
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changes alot of things. Some things not at all.
I got STD tested and I came out clean for everything. I'm super clean baby.
I dated Jessica for a short period of time. Now we're friends.
I'm still moving.
I'm in a play and this is the opening weekend. So if you're in my end of WNC, come see me. Fri & Sat nigth @ 8 and Sunday @ 2:30 for $5
I cut down on my drug intake alot.
I turned 21, but I think my overall alcohol intake might have gone down with that.
Nov. 10th, 2006 @ 02:54 am
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| » I feel violated. |
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So i went to the health dept to get tested for STDs. Not because I thought I had any, but just to be safe.
Now I feel violated, and i want to go hide in a corner somewhere.
Oct. 6th, 2006 @ 06:17 am
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| » my head is spinning. |
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So i'm not sure what to say.
I had plans to move (which are still in effect), and another friend had been telling me that she was seriously wanting to live with me as well. But needs time to figure out bills, pay off stuff, etc. This person is also involved with someone else, and hasn't really shown much interest other than just reassuring from time to time. I also don't know her that well. I feel like I'm trying, but it's not often responded to.
Enter another girl. I met her not as a possible attraction, but as someone who people I knew; knew. Someone who I had been warned about from the get go. I suppose that some part of me blindly and naively beleive that sometimes good people just get a really shitty rap, and just need some help, or someone to vouch for them. Maybe just a friend.
But as you faithful readers should know, I often just do as I damn well decide, I'm not often stopped by others, but I do try to take their input into serious consideration.
So I began to hang out with this girl. I spent hours with this girl no less. Talked, "cleared" up rumors that I had heard, played board games, and just started to get to know each other better. I say "cleared" because to the extent of my knowledge, they are cleared up. To the advice of my friends, I'm probably missing information, or have been lied to.
But I'm rather confident, and sadly, sometimes rather cocky in my ability to read people. And my reading tells me she's been honest.
As time has passed, some things that she had told me, that friends told me were not true, ended up being true after all. My friends had just recieved incorrect information from someone who wanted to keep said girl (his ex) for himself. Or, at least wanted to keep other guys away.
However, I've only recently begun to hang out with new girl. and while I feel like I already know her pretty well, I haven't known her for that long.
Remember first girl? Well, I've known her for over a year, but I don't really know her that well. And she's openly involved with someone else. I'm not trying to play either person. Both people are aware of the other. They're not in a competition, no kind of race or battle. I've been interested in first girl for quite some time. I just don't want to turn down a good person for some idealistic situation. i.e. Turn down new girl just because I've been interested in other girl for longer, or turn down first girl because I suddenly feel like I've gotton to know new girl so much better in a few weeks' time.
Back to new girl. Now this situation is somewhat tedious. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend, just "dating". She's aware that I'm moving in a month and a half. But so far, it seems like we get along really well. I'm completely myself around her. I'm more myself around her than I was with Amy-j. and I was pretty open around amy-j. It seems like we just "click" well together. Similar if not compatible interests, and it seems we catch on pretty well to the other person even if other person isn't being particularly clear.
Also, just for the record, new girl is 20. So i better not catch flak for age.
The reason this is tedious, is because I'm not sure exactly what is happening. I'm just kind of taking it one day at a time. I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket, but I know I can't sit on the fence. So I'm just waiting. Waiting to find out if first girl will make an effort to get to know me and show some kind of real interest, waiting on new girl to decide what she wants, and waiting on me to decide what I want.
New girl seems afraid I'm just persuing her for sex. Which almost makes me laugh, except it seems she really is afraid of that. I wasn't planning to bring sex into it unless we actually started "going out". Especially with all the drama surrounding the situation.
So now I feel like I'm somehow being pushy or creepy or whatever for something I haven't even tried to get, for something I'm not even sure the future of. Me thinks I may take a few steps back for a bit. I don't think I want to get so close I lose sight of where I'm standing.
Oct. 4th, 2006 @ 01:41 am
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| » It has been brought to my attention.... |
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....that I have no made mention of my sister.
Let me start off by saying that if seen "Mean Girls", then imagine her as the "Queen Bee", but with a good heart.
Growing up we didn't get along so well, but in the past year or two, we've grown closer, and started getting along alot more.
So this is my post to say that I'm proud of my sister. She excels at almost everything she does, and she goes for what she wants. I admire her, and I love her.
So here's to you, Jessamine. Everyone that reads over this journal can know that
I love you greatly, I admire you alot, and I wish you the best in everything you do.
Sep. 27th, 2006 @ 05:51 pm
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